In the period before the divorce, I adopted a habit of saying ##I think I should kill myself## when something bad or overwhelming was happening at work. I was saying that in joking fashion, and everybody would laugh. It was aimed at breaking the bad of such situations and it became a sort of a running joke.

Another joke habit of previous person was saying ##I feel like i’m 87 years old##, see Lord of the Rings.

I also had two moments when I considered suicide for real, alone, in company with only myself.

Continue reading “SUICIDE JOKES”



Since your first birth at hospital, which lasted 26 hours, idea of birth at home was in the air. At that time, idea of birth at home was something very illegal, very dangerous and something that only others, in kingdoms far away, did. I was only under impression that birth at hospital is buried deep under several layers of authority, too much for me to risk exposure to.

Now it seems absurd that I wasn’t there and you were alone against authority.

Continue reading “BIRTH AT HOME? OH, YEAH.”



Still with the shoes on, I was listening to your story about yet another medical exam, undertaken with the aim of being absolutely positively sure that pregnancy is absolutely positively normal. And that it’s absolutely positively safe to have the event of birth at home.

My alarm bells started ringing, my mind started to melt, I bolted out of the house and was on my way to my occasional friend who was dealing in only one kind of matter, Mr Green.

Continue reading “HOUSE OF GREEN”



It was around midnight and we were sitting in front of the tube, watching, was it Monty Python? You said contractions are starting so you started vacuuming the floor, naturally. I said I could help, but you insisted on vacuuming yourself. So, I hovered around, trying to not disturb the air. When you finished vacuuming, you said it’s quiet now, let’s go to bed.

Around 4 AM I woke up when I heard you saying it’s starting now for real, let’s get up and do it.

Continue reading “BIRTH”


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I was standing in a restaurant trying to sell a painting to two young females. After weeks of trying to sell paintings to mostly disinterested and uninteresting pensioners, the process becomes a drag. At least it did to the sort of me I was than.

But these two were interested and interesting. So I got in a bit of a flow about the painting of a swamp they liked. I told them that it’s a spider, what’s it’s significance and what’s the meaning of life. To me, that painting resembled oil leaping from the earth in all directions. But these weren’t the only illusions I was trying to sell.

Continue reading “BEEF, BODY, HATE, MAGIC”


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I was sitting on a chair alone in silence, eating tomato as you would eat an apple. Pondering life and love, or rather lack of it. Next moment materialized in form of huge influx of extremely male energy, fueled by a soccer game. About 5 of my friends burst in there, having spectated at a soccer game nearby which qualified my country for the soccer World Cup for the first time. Place was bursting with testosterone.

They started drinking and were going out to celebrate. They unpolitely suggested that I should go out with them, saying that i’m not a male, or at least not a proper male if I don’t. Of course I was not a proper male, that’s why I buckled and went out with them. That moment of weakness decided the course of my life.

Continue reading “WHO WON?”



Christmas is a particular and consistent tradition in my family, at least since this leery shape of human form can remember. Whole family gets together with best intentions and expectations of a warm feeling of togetherness. At latest by the time the tree is decorated, it all descends into complete and utter chaos and depression.

Continue reading “MY MOTHER, THE HERO”



I decided to be good. You said that i was bad and that I should be good. So I became good and it felt good to be good. For a while at least. First it started to stink and than it started to sink.

That sinking emotion. Without it I might still be good. But that wouldn’t be good. I didn’t decide to be bad again. I was just being your mirror. Mirrors are so irritating, I know because I couldn’t stand you being my mirror.

Mirrored good is even more irritating than mirrored bad.

Continue reading “12 DAYS OF FAKE”



Need to do that was clear and loud, pain which led me there was so huge you couldn’t miss it if you were lobotomized. It was ugly little lake surrounded by sort of nature. But it looked naked and exposed. Ugly and vulnerable. Cold and .., yeah, ugly. Most importantly, there were no human forms around.

There was red sewer hose exiting the earth just above the edge of the lake. It looked so ridiculous that it was clear this couldn’t be real. I worked hard on making me feel like it was real. Every day i brought giant Green Cloud with me, so that it would feel sort of more real.

Continue reading “3 DAYS BY THE LAKE”